Missing in ActionMohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information
Here is a man, who was forced to put miles of spin on ever crushing defeat the Iraqis suffered. Hell if you had been fortunate enough to have heard all your war coverage from his mouth, you'd probably be hiding in your basement dressed in old goalie gear. Your eyes glued to an ancient TV which for some reason would only pick up his addresses. And there you would sit, trembling in the dank cold of your cellar, until the TV would crackle to life and you'd hear more ominous news from the Iraqi Information Minister... "Our initial assessment is that they will all die"...."We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back"... and then the signal would wane and die leaving the noise of static. Soon though, your ears would completely filter out this white-noise until all that you could perceive was the dead stillness and the approaching whistle of falling bombs...
For most people though this wasn't the case. No, most people just tuned into CNN for 5-10 hrs of the day. Listening to Wolf make crap up and mildly speculate about what's to come. The only highlight was when the reporters would surround our humble Information Minister and beg him for precious soundbites which he would in turn dispense in his authoritative way..."We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."....*choke* Strong stuff!
Alas now he's gone, disappeared, vanished with out a trace into the desert midnight. Without him CNN just isn't any fun and they know it.
We take this time right now to pray for his safety and as we gather I'd like to take a moment to remember some of his bold words...
"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"No I am not scared, and neither should you be!"
"Be assured. Baghdad is safe, protected"
"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.
"I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"
"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."
"Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us."
Ohhh yes, there's more *sniffle*
"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion"
"I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"we have given them a sour taste"
"blood-sucking bastards"
Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."
"The British forces which were dropped there have been eliminated mostly on the (battle)field, except for those who fled ... It is a complete defeat ... Amazingly the Americans have pushed the British to do that. They pushed them ahead as if it is an experiment. The result was very tragic for the British."
“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any
place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are
trying to sell to the others an illusion."
"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."
This guy puts the Heart in Hearts and Minds *sob*
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
"I would like to clarify a simple fact here: How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged. Al-Nasiriyah cannot be besieged. Basra cannot be besieged."
"That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!"
"They are trapped in Umm Qasr. They are trapped near Basra. They are trapped near Nasiriyah. They are trapped near Najaf. They are trapped everywhere."
Called Americans and Brits "Tarateer"– In Iraqi slang, Tartoor means a guy full of farts (hot air)
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are cying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."
"These images are not the suburbs of Baghdad. From what I glimpsed, these gardens with rows of palm trees on the side, which you saw in the images, are located in the south of Abu Ghreib, where we have surrounded the Americans and British."
When told coalition troops occupied Baghdad airport -
"...at Saddam Airport? Now that's just silly!"
"The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"
"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
Pure gold, this man was comic genious personified *sniffle*
"In an age of spin, al-Sahaf offers feeling and authenticity. His message is consistent -- unshakeable, in fact, no matter the evidence -- but he commands daily attention by his on-the-spot, invective-rich variations on the theme. His lunatic counterfactual art is more appealing than the banal awfulness of the Reliable Sources. He is a Method actor in a production that will close in a couple of days. He stands superior to truth."
-- Jean-Pierre McGarrigle
Couldn't have said it any better myself. If they ever do find Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf they should extradite him out of Iraq and give him a job as a writer for SNL.
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