That Crazy Kid!
The Andrew Thompson Story:
Part II:
Farther Down the Rabbit Hole
(A Screenplay)
Starring:
Andrew
Crazy Dwaine Bird
Giant Headed Rodney Turtle
Nic
Evan Oliver
Generic 12th Grade General English Teacher
Written By:
Charles Beaton
with help from
Andrew Thompson
Original Idea:
Charles Beaton
Andrew Thompson
Props. to:
Dwaine
Rodney
&
Concerned Children's Advertisers
Intro:
The now rehabilitated Andrew has been released back into society and now sits quietly in his 12th grade general English class. His heavily sedated mind is in the constant throes of ambiguity. His subconscious desperately fighting off the voices, and that all too familiar song...
Scene 1:
[a normal classroom setting, filled with an unlikely assortment of degenerates and maladjusted miscreants. The overwhelming rank of nervous energy and ignorance is clearly visible upon all of Andrew's classmates. Save one poor soul, Nic. Whose life is always a constant upwards battle against the forces of homosexuality, completely locked in a confused state of unambiguously perverse sexuality. Andrew's apathetic teacher spills forth his linear mantra, eyes locked on the back wall fearing any unnecessary eye contact could set his classroom ablaze.]
Teacher: Would everyone please open your Romeo and Juliet books, and read along with the tape. Actually wait, can anybody first tell me who wrote Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"?
[silence]
Teach: No one here knows who wrote William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet?"
Evan Oliver: Was it Garth Brooks?
Teach: What!? No, no it was not Garth Brooks.
Evan: I'm pretty sure it was. I have all his albums you know.
[a silenced pause, broken by two dry coughs]
Teach: [more patiently] No!! For the last time it was not Garth Brooks... Andrew, you must know the author of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"
[startled Andrew looks up, groggy, he's slow to respond]
Andrew: Was it Will......
[Andrew's veiled eye lids snap open from their normal half closed position, nervously he glances about the room, his mind recoils in horror unable to communicate with his body, a mute scream purses his lips and he clamps his hands to his head. The theme music to jurassic park blares loudly all around him, gently pulling him away...]
Scene II: Flashback:
It's quiet and dark, only the gently hum of the refrigerator pervades the eerie calm. A beam of street light partially illuminates his surroundings, and suddenly Andrew recognizes that he's at his old house. The chilling skeletal remains of his first home after the fire surround him. The earth he touches still warm from the red hot inferno of only a few days past. Andrew's mind no longer restrained by his medication surveys the scene in great detail. It's obvious where the fire had started by the gaping hole in the kitchen floor. The roof had collapsed directly upon the nest of the giant electrical spiders, assurance that the queen had indeed been killed. His reflexes sharp and his eyesight now accustomed to the poor lighting, Andrew gingerly approaches his old refrigerator. The fridges front door was completely melted and blackened by the heat of the blaze, yet the body for the most part is still intact. With a burst of adrenaline, Andrew wrenches the door from its moorings and deftly searches inside. His hand feeling the cylindrical squeeze bottle of his family's mustard supply, continues on its search until it's rewarded by the roughly textured sensation of his trusty, battle hewn, old stick...
Andrew: The night is ours my sticky friend!!
[grinning at his own joke, Andrew lops off into the night]
Scene III:
The quiet surging of and crashing of waves is heard just off the beach, where the Giant Headed Rodney Turtle is found helplessly floundering about in the tall Maran grass, desperately searching for its eggs.
Rodney Turtle- Now where, ohh where, could my little dog, err I mean eggs, be? ohh where ohh where could he, umm them, be?
[crawling to the edge of the steep dune the Rodney turtle is fortunate enough to spot his giant excavation site. Unfortunately he wasn't the first one, for the Crazy Dwaine Bird can easily be seen molesting the poor giant headed turtle's eggs.]
R-Turtle.- Goddamn Dwaine Bird!! He'll kill them all, and I can only lay 12,000* more before the chill sets in!!
*though this number may seem extremely high to those unversed in the Giant Headed Rodney Turtles breeding habits, which are solely asexual, the actual survival rate, once you factor in the horribly misproportioned mental capacity of the Giant Headed Rodney Turtle, is less than 1 per 12,000.
Crazy Dwaine Bird - Boy, ohh boy, ohh boy!!! I really love these round things! They're soo bouncy, and they feel really nice against my feathers!
[the Dwaine Bird is oblivious both to the fact that he is crushing the eggs by attempting to mate with them, and to the fact that the Rodney Turtle, having mistakenly toppled off the side of the cliff, is now standing at the top of his dirt pile]
R-Turtle. - I'll teach that interfurring, goddamn, Crazy Dwaine Bird to interfur with my egglings!
[acting on instinct the Giant Headed Rodney Turtle begins flinging dirt from the top of the pile with his hind flippers.]
R-Turtle. - I'll berry him good!
[Unfortunately he is flinging dirt the wrong way and before he has the chance to correct his fatal mistake the Dwaine bird is upon him, savagely penetrating his every orifice with his retractable, 9 inch prehensile penis. The screams and moans of the ill-fated Giant Headed Rodney Bird punctuate the air on regular intervals, correlated with the ferocious thrusts of the horny Crazy Dwaine Bird. Off at the other end of the beach, drawing obscure, incomprehensible pictures in the sand in order to appease the voices, rests Andrew.]
And.- [to his stick] If I hear correctly, [pausing and straining to hear] that's the sound of a Giant Headed Rodney Turtle being savagely sodomized by, yes, the Crazy Dwaine Bird. I guess it's time for a little "Ultra Violence" my Sticky Friend!
[Crabwalking at a frenetic pace, Andrew soon approaches the scene of devastation. The Crazy Dwaine Bird has flipped the Rodney turtle upon his back and is proceeding to take him from behind. The Giant Headed beast was flinging his aquatic flippers to and fro in a desperate attempt to fend off his attacker, yet to no avail.]
And.- Hey Dwaine Bird! I said, Hey Dwaine Bird! Hey monkey, let me ask you a question... How stupid are you?
D-Bird.- Huh? Eeeh! Errrr!! Nooooo!! Okay!! What?
And.- You must be pretty fucking stupid to pick on one of my friends!
D-Bird.- You mean this Giant Headed Turtle? No one likes him! Do they?
And.- He happens to be a good friend of mine, matter of fact.
D-Bird.- Ohh really, well I had no clue, I do apologize, chum.
And.- That's okay, an easy mistake to make.
[they both look at each other, quizzingly]
And.- You know I was just kidding... Now lets set him on fire and make some soup!
D-Bird.- I'm with you
[by this time, however, the Rodney Turtle taking advantage of the delay had struck off across the water... Well actually the wind had blown him into a riptide, but we'll give him credit for it anyway, after all it isn't easy being a Giant Headed completely retarded Rodney Turtle!]
D-Bird.- Where'd our turtle friend go...
[But even before the crazy Dwaine Bird could finish his sentence, Andrew was on top of him, playing a rather lopsided rendition of his style of leapfrog. This went on for a few hours until the sun once again rose its fiery head and both Andrew and the Crazy Dwaine Bird were distracted by the many shiny things on the beach.]
Scene III:
Back in the Classroom.
Teach: Andrew? Andrew? Nic wake him up would you.
Nic: Waky, Waky my little hamster...
[startled Andrew awoke, his fist raised and readied in Nic's direction]
Teach: Welcome back Andrew, now can you please tell us who wrote William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet?
And: Ahh, obviously it was...
[but before he could finish his sentence the bell rang [in Andrews head] and he got up and left class]
Teach: Where'd he go, it's only 11:00?
[chuckling]
The whole class together: With Andrew, you just never know!!!
[cue Jurassic Park theme music, a still frame of Andrew with his trademark million mile stare flashes onto the screen, eyes half veiled with his trusty old stick in hand; the credits role]
To be continued...
