Please stay tuned for further developments
News Flash
I'm sure everyone will be pleased to learn that the Prodigal Son is returning, yes the one and only son of God... Andrew Thompson. He will be back on our fair Island come October the 16th, I'm sure festivities are in the works. Anyone caring to donate beer, and drugs to this event please do so in my mailbox.
< /sacrilegiousness>
Welcome to the Stone Age,
Prince Edward Island
The lights had been out here for quite a while, we were doing alright with our backup generator humming at full speed. At 4:00am I checked the weatherchannel.com and they announced that winds were gusting up to 140km/h! That’s gotta be a record!
At 5:30 I decided to take my lunch. Having lacked the forethought to prepare one in advance, I blazingly headed to the store (Queens Arms Esso). The wind had died down by the time I was walking to the car, but everything was still pitch dark. As I drove out of Watt’s I immediately began to take note on the damage that lay about. Everywhere was windfall, leaves, twigs and fair-sized branches as well. I also noticed that two newly installed lights had been knocked down as well. The highway was even worse, halfway between the little shopping mall and Tim’s on the TransCanada almost all of the power lines were down. Not just lying harmlessly off to the side, they were lying directly in the middle of the road. The combination of no traffic lights, and no other lights besides other cars’ headlights and some emergency lights inside of businesses Charlottetown was completely in the dark. It was spooky as hell driving all the way down University, and not seeing a single thing but the pitch darkness. Once I arrived in town, there was even more debris and destruction. There were huge branches and piles and piles of leaves and crap scattered all along the roads. Most of Grafton and Prince St. as well as in Front of Myrons were all closed off as well. Turning off of Grafton to avoid the roadblock I had to dodge downed power lines. Destructions and chaos abounded! And I’m a real sucker for destruction.
All the while that I drove along I had the urge just to pull up somewhere and start smashing windows, maybe loot a little. Just plain go nuts! I’m sure that if there had of been any like minded individual traveling with me at the time I would be currently in handcuffs… with a big perma grin and bloody knuckles.
There’s something about seeing everything so helpless, and in a state of confusion that just makes me savage. I think I like it too.
Well the winds subsiding, and by the time you read this the power will be back on, the storm receding, weakening.
“Next time,” I tell my monster…
Clever Got Me This Far and Tricky Got Me In...
Happy Belated B-days to, Steve H, Shannon G (as well as Dan P and lord knows who else). I hope you both apreciate the responsiblity that comes with no longer being a teenager. (yeah right)
Not much time to chat tonight, Helpdesk is filled with people protesting MSNs big move to subscription service only. Where there normally 3 or 4 users waiting, there is now upwards of 40. Here is the official word from Microsoft on the situation...
MSN Chat is now a subscription-only service. This is part of an overall effort by MSN and Microsoft to provide consumers with a safer, more secure, and more positive online experience.
These changes are intended to help protect users from unsolicited information such as spam, and to better protect children from inappropriate communication online.
The increase in abuse of the Internet, such as the massive growth of spam and the increase in unsolicited and inappropriate material, particularly with regards to children, has led us to this decision.
Further, we believe that instant messaging, such as with MSN Messenger, is the most exciting and personal means by which people can reach out to and communicate with those they care about most.
We will continue to update all of our services based on feedback from our customers and on smart business practices.
With MSN Chat becoming a subscription service this means a lot of changes for our program. Basically without all the spam/porn/rif raff on our network... and in the beginning probably not many users either ... most of our jobs will become obsolete by October 14th. Yes it is a sad day for Jane and I. Our cash cow is running dry... while Jane may be able to stay on in MSN, I most likely will be either shipped back upstairs to Readers or I may join up with Covad.
Also, today was the first official day of Fall, and in strict adherence all trees were forced to change colors and shed. Yes the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end. Soon it will too cold to do much else but sleep and watch tv...
Keiths fest was alright. Not what I'm used to in terms of talent, numbers and energy. Good times drinking on the strip though... not sleeping for close to 40 hours though was very draining, and I still haven't recovered.
Off Saturday night... if anyone is up for some messed up fun gimme a ring.
Talk! Isn't it about Time?
Everyone should check out the new Chat Room that Dan and I are hosting.
If no one is online when you get there, just set yourself up. Here is the HELP FILE if you need directions . While in the chat page you can also click on the question mark below the chat room applet. Important Make sure you press the Shift button while clicking on this link, or right click and select "Open Link in New Window" as unfortunately the help page will take over the Chat page. This help page should be more than enough to get you started.
See yas in there :)
Paint Wars - "The Beginning"
This is the premiere episode of the "Paint Wars" Photoshopping contest. Right now the only competitors are Dan Pollard and I. If you are talented and wish to compete, just drop either of us a line.
For our first competition we scoured the Internet for pictures of friends. Our theme: Our Friends in our Favorite Movies.
We were going to try to photoshop Dwaine onto a womans body… but obviously someone beat us to the punch…
The picture we finally decided upon was generously donated from Gabrielle’s lost picture collection.
As you can see Dawn and Sabrina were obviously surprised by some Mexican photographer (Gabrielle?) …
Hilarity ensues.
For my first idea, I decided to befoul a couple of hobbits…
This photo lacked that certain edginess I was looking for, so I redoubled my efforts and after a bit of searching came up with the perfect picture.
Here they are in their full glory
To view the original picture and read an interesting article about the uproar it created follow this link Hot Anal Action
Now that you have seen my creations, please go visit Dans page to view his creation.
To vote for whatever picture you prefer please use my shout backs, or Dan’s message board (since he isn’t hip to shout outs).
If you would like to nominate a picture for our next competition please submit the full URL to the image.
VOTE NOW!
The Savage Rape of
Steve Hilchie
Rape #1
The phone call came around noon on August the 11th, it was Steve and he sounded very excited. I quickly learned the reason for this excitement when he told me about a recent score he had made on Ebay. While searching for a laptop computer, he had found an Alienware Area 51 desktop
for the amazing price of $650 Canadian. He had immediately chosen to buy the Godlike machine.
“Wow!” I exclaimed… “what are the specs?”
“It’s a Pentium 4 2.8 Ghz, 512MB DDR SDRAM, ATI Mobility Radeon 9000, 15.0” LCD Screen with a 60 GB Hard drive!”
“Wow… how much does it normally cost?” I asked.
“$2700 American,” he replied.
“That’s awesome; send me the link so I can check it out!”
So he sent me the link, already skeptical I check around on the auction site, everything seemed OK until I decided to check out what else this seller had up for auction. That’s when my suspicions were confirmed, for low and behold the seller had many other Area 51 laptops as well as Sony Vaio Notepads
on sale for as little as $9.98 US. Yeah, Steve was about to be royally screwed by some guy in Maryland. So I hopped onto MSN Messenger and quickly told him that he’d be much better off buying a laptop for $9.98 and saving himself over $600!... "What??!" He exclaims. So I tell him to check out what else this guy is selling, and that’s about the time Steve started to panic. Luckily however, he hadn’t yet given his credit information to the seller. After a few emails back and forth with this seller, he learned that this moron was not selling laptops, no he was merely selling a spot in a line to receive the model of your choice, after you fully paid for it... And after 3-7 months!
Yeah, I know of other people who have been raped much worse on Ebay, and other auction sites… some of these people actually losing hundreds of dollars, but this story of a minor rape is only meant to serve as a prelude to the major rape that occurred yesterday.
Rape #2
As is customary on Wednesday nights, a group of us had assembled at the upper Rural field for a game of soccer and some Frisbee. Our group consisted of Steve Hilchie, Mark Townsend, Casey Dorrell, Curt Johnson, Andrew Breeze, Daniel Perry and I. We started off playing Frisbee, before starting into a game of free-for-all soccer. The only problem at this point was the hoards of mutant bloodsucking monsters that were slowly draining our blood reserves.
About halfway through our game a silver Dodge sedan drove past our field honking. Several minutes later, the same car slowly drove up the street and stopped at the side of the road. The passenger starting asking loudly in a thick British accent if we could help direct them to Victoria Park, I wasn’t particularly taken by their plight so I stayed back as Mark, and Andrew went over to their aid. They gave them directions to take a left up at the ball field, then another right onto North River Road
then to continue along North River until it ended, at which point they were to take a right hand turn and bam, they’d be in Victoria Park. Easy directions right? Wrong. They left, going the right way, and were gone. We returned to our soccer game, until 15 minutes later we were once again interrupted by the same car.
By this time the mosquitoes had become so nasty that Steve, Daniel and I were leaving, so we along with Mark walked up to their car. Mark once again tried to tell them how to get to Vic P. It was at this time that I managed to see whom these people were, there were two girls in their late teens early 20s sitting in the front seat, the driver was a slim brunette and the passenger was a chunky blond with ugly braided hair. There also appeared to be a young child in the backseat. They were driving a silver Dodge sedan with Island plates, and it wasn’t a rental. This is what first aroused my suspicions.
The passenger was doing all the talking, she was obviously quite dense because Mark was completely unable to talk any sense into her. Finally, Steve offered to drive to Victoria Park so that they could follow behind us. This seemed acceptable so we pulled out and they followed behind us. They were following us all the way down North River road, lagging behind rather oddly until for some reason they pulled off NR road and onto Queen Elizabeth Dr
. “Where the hell did they go?” We all asked each other. “Why would they turn right when they’re following us?”…
So we doubled back and caught up with them as they were pulling into a drive way to turn around. We pulled along side their car to ask what the matter had been. Steve, the compulsive giggler asked them why they had turned right. To which the blond haired passenger replied in her thick English accent, that they had seen another car turning right and had though it was us. Steve laughed at this, and told them to follow a bit closer. For some reason the passenger took offense to Steve’s giggles and questioned whether he was trying to insult them. I defused the situation by telling her that Steve was a compulsive giggler and that he always giggled everywhere including at funerals and in church.
“Well he doesn’t seem very nice,” she replied.
They finally agreed to follow us again, and we agreed to drive slower, because they weren’t used to driving on the right side of the road.
Off we went again, pausing now and again as they shouted, honked and flashed the brights at us to tell us we were going to fast. We were all rather confused by the fact that they thought that at 30km/h we were going fast. “They drive small cars, not gas sucking beasts like us,” I reasoned.
To which Dan replied that he "hated all Brits". Steve was obviously not in his element because he would occasionally pull off the road whenever they honked at us, just to be told once more to go slower. At one time, we pulled over and they gave us a large Sylvester throw stuffed thing. “In Britain we give Sylvestas as gifts,” she told us. “Okay… thanks,” We just thought that they were making fun of themselves, obviously embarrassed by their own stupidity. Why else would someone give such a gift?
It was at this time as well that they asked if we could drive on the left side of the road to make it easier for them to follow us. We tried to reason with them, cautioning them against oncoming traffic ect. But they were resolute that they needed to drive on the left side of the road. Seeing now harm in this, since we were on the side streets and there wasn’t much traffic, we agreed. So off we went driving slowly on the left side of the street, shouting warnings at pedestrians and onlookers that there were crazy Brits behind us!
After this point things just got worse and worse. I was beginning to feel violated... nothing about this situation felt right...
The Brits just seemed to drive slower and slower as we continued along at our snails pace. By this time Victoria Park was almost within sight and I had begun to see the folly of our helpful nature... In my mind we were being taken and played like suckers. Roasted over a slow and torturous spit while slowly and steadily being brutally sodomized by a crazed braided blond freak.
Least that's what was going on in my mind... Over in Steve Hilchie land, things were a bit strange, but apparently no need for any alarm... I tried with all my might to convince my fellow victims that it wasn't too late to pull away with the last shreds of our dignity still intact. BUT Steve was dead set in helping these poor mentally challenged bastards, and Dan was torn between whatever thoughts of kindness he had and my constant pleas to Steve to "just gun it, and leave the muthafuckas behind!"
So we continued along, the distinct feeling that we were being savagely raped ever growing in my mind.
Eventually the Brits stopped and started honking furiously at us, so we stopped as well. They then pulled along side us and waved a white piece of folded fabric out the window. "Another present, to show our thanks," the braided blonde beamed. Steve humbly accepted this gesture as well, with more than a slight bit of suspicion in his tone.
Yes it had seemed as though Steve's eyes had finally been opened, almost as much as our asses at that point.
"All you have to do to get to Victoria Park is continue up this road," Steve offered stoically.
"Ohh please, can't we just follow you for a bit longer?" pleaded the brutal braided British blond beamingly.
And once more Steve crumbled and we once more set off towards Victoria Park even slower this time. Our British tormentors honking constantly.
"Steve," I calmly began, "We, my good friend, are getting brutally raped! Just gun it, lets leave the behind... let them find their own way!"
Steve kept driving at the same pace... obviously conflicted, halfway between burning rubber and burning us all. His face was racked with tension... he seemed to be fighting his inner demon, "the good guy", for control over the car and our anal virginity. Some part of Steve was still fighting that deeply ingrained Islander instinct to be kind and understanding toward tourists. And we were all paying dearly.
Finally he cracked and pulled over...
The Brits approached us from behind, and pulled abreast of the driverside.
It was at this point that Steve's balls dropped and he mustered up the nerve to ask the "Brits" plain out what the hell was going on.
"Guess what..." the Brits prompted...
"What?" Steve responded.
"You're on candid camera!"
"Candid camera?" Steve asked with a wry smile.
"Yes, that's right," the braided blonde responded all remanents of her accent extinguished. "Do you want to know what time we'll be showing the footage?" she questioned.
At this point I'll admit even my interest had peaked. Yes my sympathetic friends... even your humble narrator was a sucker for seconds.
"The show will be on at 7pm on Fox this Friday," the blonde calmly continued.
"This Friday?" I questioned.... Once more things still didn't add up. #1. What the hell was a US show doing in PEI of all places? #2. Where were all the cameras? #3. How would they be able to film, edit and send the footage up for a complete show in less than two days.
This time I went on the offensive, "Did you say Friday?"
"Yes, Friday at 7:00PM on FOX"
"Candid Camera isn't on at 7:00PM on Friday on Fox" I smugly interjected (bluffing).
"Yes it is." She stumbled.
"No, no it isn't," I asserted firmly.
"Well it is in New Brunswick..." the fake-dye-head-braid-wearing-cum-guzzling-queen stammered.
There ya go folks, a crack. The one solitary gasp of fresh air in the 1 hour ceaseless mauling of your fellow Islanders.
It was at this point that Steve as well leaned into battle by asking them to show us their camera.
"The cameras in the soccer ball," said blond talker defensively while pointing at a harmless miniture soccer ball hanging feebly from a mesh bag.
"Can I see this camera?" Challenged Steve.
"It's a camera, it's attached dumbass!" The bitch responded.
"Have a good night," Steve replied as he dropped the clutch, the tires screamed and we flew away.
It took a second for it all to sink in, then the realization that we had been horribly and brutally raped finally became terribly clear. It was at this point that all the I told you so's in the world couldn't assuage the fierce burning in my rectal region. I felt violated on a level previously uncomprehensible to myself.
Steve was almost beside himself. His cloud had burst, his heart had sunk. He had been mistreated in the fouless of ways, taken advantage of by strangers.... nothing of this magnitude had shook his world since Ronald MacDonald had snuck his greasy fingers down his trousers in the back of the McD's party caboose short years back.*
I'd like to say this is the end, but I'm sure by now that everyone reading this knows this special boy has a long and wearisome road ahead of him.
Picture this... Steve's first car purchase: (a lemon, stolen, from the hells angels...), his first house purchase: (termites, killer mold...situated on the biggest known fault line) and so on. Yes, I fear this is only the beginning friends. So grab some popcorn and some cold ones, and lets sit back and watch.........................
*Charges were cleared against Ronald MacDonald in the alleged incident.
In times of peace, the warlike man attacks himself
Ever notice that the blogspot ads above everyone's blog are always tied into the recurring theme or just a current blog of the bloggers blog? Like today my blog is being supported by Sweaty Underarms and Deoderant... two major recurring themes in all of my work.
Speaking of sweaty body parts, I was at Shannon's party last night. The guest list was very exclusive, featuring the party stylings of Andrew T, Jamie J, The Great Gabonzo, The Hostess who boastess the mostess roastess Shannon, Matt Lingo Ling, Robbie Mcdiddy, Geoff with a G and his superfly gf (name deleted to keep Geoff out of Jail), Ian A Leblonski, That 70's Bria, Sarah Dawn Sunset Seaswell and the Tidesout, as well as Jane "the lil' Devil" Caiger and Myself.
The night went swimingly, progressing swiftly as everyone got drinking and drunk. There was an obvious lack of certain herbal entertainment... but this was mere oversight and your humble author will let it slide.
While no drunking tirades/speeches/or adventures took place on my behalf... Jane did steal some flowers though... roots, potting soil and all from the Petro Can. Congradulations Jane. The only other event of particular notoriety was the giant brawl that resulted from jealousy over one newly single Bria Brown... yes the all out grudge match for the heart of this maiden was fought out between Jamie J and Shannon's infamous brawling brother Jeremy G. The spat escalated from a mere intervention into the more fierce war of insults that insued.
The two drunken combattants were locked in a deadly struggle for the upper hand and it was looking like it may come to blows until Matt Ling stepped in to intercede in the interests of peace.
This is when it got scary...
No one wanted to listen to Matt so he proceeded to pick up a large rock and brandish it above his head in a threatening gesture.
"You will obey my word, or by the force of God I will lay you down with the fierce vengence of the damned!" he screamed.
Both the combattants froze for a moment... shocked by the raw intensity of Matt's threat.
"What are you going to hit us both with that one rock?" Asked Jeremy.
"Yeah... you may be able to take one of us out... but by that time I'll have sunk my dirty finger nails deep into your face!" Jamie challenged.
And for a brief moment all three of them were still, as in appreciation of the dangerous potential of their next move...
Seizing the moment, Matt struck first, bringing the heavy rock down upon Jeremy's head. The rock encountered Jeremy's particularily thick skull and shattered and fell resigned to the ground.
Briefly stunned Jeremy staggered about, as Matt prepared himself for the assualt. Jamie unfazed by the violence ducked to the ground and in a dazzling display of agility swept Jeremy's feet with his legs. The mighty Jeremy crumbled to the ground and glanced his head off of the wooden seat of the rope swing before coming to motionless rest in the tall grass.
While Jamie was proudly surveying his damage, Matt visciously grabbed him about the throat and lifted him clear off the ground.
"You will bow before my massive power!" MAtt demanded of his captive victim.
Jamie, struggling for air, gurgled, "You win, you win... just let me go!"
Relinquishing his choke hold, Matt let Jamie fall haphazardly to the ground.
Jamie lay gasping for a moment before regaining his feet, and slowly walking backwards towards his car. "You win this round Ling... but this fight is not over!"
"Go home Jamie, this fight is over..." Matt urged, "and you have been tried, tested and have been found lacking!"
Downtrodden Jamie returned to his car, open the door and sat motionless at the drivers wheel.
Matt was too busy staring Jamie down to notice that Jeremy had regained consciousness and was stealthily approaching him from the rear. Just as Jeremy was about to smash Matt from behind, the growing crowd let out a scream... just in time Matt turned and ducked Jeremy's flailing fists.
Thrown off balance by his misses, Jeremy was an open target and Matt took full advantage with a brutal combo of rapid stomach punches and a crushing right hook. Jeremy recoiled from the force of the hits and stumbled backwards before hitting the plastic siding of the wall. There he let out a scream of feroscious rage, and lowering his head he charged. He caught Matt in the midsection at full speed propelling them both backwards and into the passenger's side of Jamie's car.
Shocked and infuriated by the damage to his car, Jamie emerged with the tire iron in hand and starting waving it as he rounded the car and proceeded to beat down upon Matt. Jeremy had also regained his feet as was kicking Matt soundly.
Between the cruel blows of the tire iron and the mashing kicks Matt barely had time to breath. Occasionally he would yelp in pain, sounds that sent tingles up and down the spines of the petrified onlookers.
What will happen next? Is this the end of Matt Ling? Stay tuned to this channel for the shocking outcome as a mysterious force comes out of the bounds of fiction and into frightening reality.
To Be Continued
Let the Truth Shine Through
First of all I object to the way I was represented in the log of my conversation with Dan. From what Dan would like you to see, it appears as though he was in fact in full control of the trash truck, but in truth my dear readers this is seldom the occasion. From the below log, you will all be able to discern this for yourselves.
Dan:
Hi Chuck, how are you today?
Chuck:
Hi Dan, what going on?
Dan:
Not too much Chuck.
Dan:
How are things?
Chuck:
Things are good, how are things with you?
Dan:
Alright, considering.
Chuck:
Considering what?
Dan:
Considering what needs to be considered
Chuck:
LOL Dan you slay me with your humor!
Dan:
Thank you for the compliment, it not to often I get one. :(
Chuck:
Why do you say that Dan, I always tell you how pretty I think you are.
Dan:
I know, I know... and I'm gratefull for the attention... but it's just like somethings missing.
Chuck:
What is missing, may I ask?
Dan:
I think I'm gay!
Chuck:
You think your Gay?
Dan:
Yes, I do... It's just that I've been having these feelings for men lately.
Chuck:
Gay feelings?
Dan:
Very Gay feelings. Like so Gay it makes me cringe. Sooo Gay I wake up screaming and in a sweat after having a horribly Gay dream.
Chuck:
You know, there's nothing wrong with being Gay Dan, this just means you can have more fun at the YMCA.
Dan:
You Mean the Charlottetown Fitness Center?
Chuck:
It's still gay right?
Dan:
*blushes*Ohh yeah!... LOL
Chuck:
Well I'm still your friend Dan, even if you've come to the realization that you're horribly gay.
Dan:
Thanks man, it feels good to know I have friends I can count on.
Chuck:
NP dude!
Chuck:
So when did you really know you were gay?
Dan:
I was watching Will and Grace, and I just kept thinking to myself... "Man Will is HOT" Then I'd have to change the channel back to sports or something ungay... then I said to myself... "hey, why am I hiding my sexuality behind sports... I like Will and Grace, I like the color Lavender, I like the fresh smell of Dove moisturizing body wash!"
Dan:
That was about the time I started having sex with men.
Chuck:
Wow! Can't say I'm too shocked though, we've been calling this for a long, long time.
Dan:
Really, you guys always thought I was gay?
Chuck:
Ohh yes! We've had a pool going for 4 years now... I think this means Matt wins!
Chuck:
Damn, why couldn't you have held out for another 3 months?
Dan:
Cause I'm just too GAY! I'm practically exploding I'm just that GAY! If I had to pretend to be straight for another day, I'd probably go insane.
Chuck:
Dan, you are insane! LOL Ya crazy gay bastard!
Dan:
Ohh you
Chuck:
Hey now watch it!
Dan:Just joking lol
Chuck:
Okay... just keep it in the bedroom with John boy alright?
Dan:
Will do
Chuck:
gtg, ttyl gay boy!
Dan:
*blushes*Later! I gtg as well... I'm much busier now that I'm gay!
Chuck goes offline...
Dan goes offline...
There you go. I'm sure this actual log* will stand as certain and irrefutable proof of Dan's gayness**. (Not that there's anything wrong with it***...)
*May not actually be an actual log.
**Danial Pollard may not be gay
***You may not share this oppinion if you are straight and frequent the Charlottetown Fitness Center
The Elipses Diaries
The Insomnia of August Creeps in, slowly but surely stealing my consciousness and bleeding me of the crisp quality of life.
Last night I awoke from a dream and violently snapped my head to the left... *PAIN* That was the end of me moving my head. Unable to get back to sleep and somehow no longer tired, I got up and busied myself at the computer... then had a bowl of cereal... then read, low and behold, from my collection of Reader's Digest.
Finally at 4:00 in the AM, I finally went back to bed... sleeping until I awoke and violently snapped my head to the right... *P A I N*
Then Jane and I woke up at 7:53... (Bad) We had to work at 8 :S ...
I can't move my neck, I sneezed, my neck spasmed and I thought my head was going to roll off.
A relatively Bad start to a otherwise innocent day.
PS. Check out Dan's Site if you are bored or otherwise mentally unoccupied. He needs your support to assuage his tortured psyche. But don't ever believe a word that he tells you, he's only trying to turn you against those you love most.
Back to the Back Shifts...
That's right 6 straight backshifts... good money... but it really screws with my poor head.
Since my bad luck spree I have formatted and fixed my computer, and now it is running better than ever.
My injuries are healing.
We won our last 3 rugby games, we're now 3 and 1...
I'm more than sad to be missing the Under 21 Atlantic Tournament in Frederickton, 3 days and nights... all you can eat breakfasts... 5 rugby games... and a BBQ...
Nope instead I am working the backshifts.
Sorry too tired to be loquacious this morning.
adieu...
Bad Luck on High Street
July 9th - 11th, in this the foul year of our lord two thousand and three, was a low time for your humble author...
#1. Little to no sleep over the previous night.
#2. Being injured and reaggravating injuries from rugby practice.
#3. Picking up Jane to find out that the poor girl had drunk herself silly.
#4. Tending to poor Jane as she was unable to perform even the most basic of primary motor functions.
#5. Loosing my expensive silver chain... whereabouts still unknown.
#6. While attempting to fix a security problem on my comp... being hit by the worst blended virus/trojan I have yet to encounter. Having my computer completely disabled and rendered useless. Damn those little virus writing pukes... get a girlfriend ya adolescent fuckers. I'd like to punch all those prying little shits in the face, then beat them senseless with their keyboards and string them up by the balls with their power cords.
#7. Getting less than 4 hours of sleep
#8. Going to work for Jane till 4, arriving for rugby at 5, driving to the god forsaken ends of Prince County with my knees up near my chin for 1.5 hours.
#9. Being brutally mauled and raped by a group of mutant farmers and fishermen on the rugby pitch. (We won though... 17-15)
#10. Driving home and being pulled over by the cops... probably worse for poor Spense due to his inability to locate his insurance papers...
#11. Not returning home till 12:30... for a game I thought would take 3 hours... *smack*
#12. Waking up and not being able to move. Feeling like I had been repeatedly beaten with a sack of padlocks and doorknobs... Damn I miss it!!
#13. Writing this senseless piece of wimpish gripe.
:P
Cazart!
The First Installment of
- The Freak Nation -
A list of the weird things that strangers searched for on Google/Yahoo for which my site was highly ranked...
1. Yahoo - wats on circus
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... Open for Business! God's Own Electric Circus. COMMUNICATIONS ... From the keyboard of Chufre, 7:06 PM. With reference to your message with the subject: "Yo, Wats'up". ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/2003_01_26_fryingcarrot_archive.html
2. Google - wimp sodomized - (two accounts of this being searched for...looks like someone's up to no good! Wimps beware!)
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... But Nic's no wimp, he's been whipped into shape (literally) and brutally sodomized
(credits: Andrew, Dwaine, Chester) so much he doesn't know a world without ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/ 2003_02_02_fryingcarrot_archive.html
3. Google - "maran grass"
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... of waves is heard just off the beach, where the Giant Headed Rodney Turtle is found
helplessly floundering about in the tall Maran grass, desperately searching ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/ 2003_01_26_fryingcarrot_archive.html
(Of the four pages returned the other three were about PEI tourism/Anne of Green Gables... and mine about a Giant Headed Rodney Turtle)
4. Google - dwaine's whores
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... a scene ever so near to Dwaine's heart* [converation overheard through dirty trailer door, amid sounds of gunfire, panning bums and wheezing whores]. ...
5. Google - Hot Boxing Cars
**** the search for some reason wouldn't work for me :P ****
6. Google - "Electric Circus" +surround
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... God's Own Electric Circus. ... The only highlight was when the reporters would surround
our humble Information Minister and beg him for precious soundbites which he ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/ 2003_04_13_fryingcarrot_archive.html
7. Yahoo - "get him off me" - (Who searches for such an arcane thing?)
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... beneath his permanently half shut eye lids]. Sister- "Mom, get him off me, help!!". [Andrew now over beside the fireplace, attempting ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/2003_01_26_fryingcarrot_archive.html
8. Google - 0-60 time in a 1997 Dodge neon sport (Wow... not too impressive I assure you)
God's Own Electric Circus // Blog
... onto the highway, we decided to test the 0-60 when the ... and in second we did 100kms
by the time we were ... Returning home in my 1997 Dodge Neon, I knew somehow, my ...
fryingcarrot.blogspot.com/ 2003_02_16_fryingcarrot_archive.html
There were many others but unfortunately their record has been lost...
I'm sure the Freak Kingdom won't disappoint and they'll be plenty more to report in short time...
Hazaa!
~ Sunday, Sunday, Sunday ~
Stratford VS Winsloe
Game I
I woke up rested yet still a bit hampered from my previous night's partying, Jane and I finished the rest of our Chinese leftovers, then it was straight to the computer and phone to round up my scraggly bunch of underlings... This, however, proved much harder than I had thought it'd be...
Better scheduling, greater information and more hype is a must for future games... this was made abundently apparent.
The game started a little under an hour past schedule, we were short these 5 players: ANDREW THOMPSON, JAMIE JOHNSON, THOMAS GODFREY, ROBERT MACMILLAN and last but not least DANIAL POLLARD.
The evening was hot, very hot... Winsloe had arrived early and snagged the good dugout.. the one with shade.
Our game day roster consisted of: Catcher - Brad Fraser, Pitcher - Charles Beaton, First Base - Geoff MacMillan, Second Base - Zain Essreigher, Short Stop - Nic White, Third Base - Matt Ling, Right Field - Janelle Cahill, Center Field - Dwaine Bulger, Left Field - Jane/ Melissa/NO ONE...
The Batting order (to the best of my recollection) was, Nic, Zain, Brad, Chuck, Dwaine, Geoff, Matt and last but not least Janelle.
The Game proceeded quite well, with the Winsloe roster being much better bolstered than in previous years. After the first inning the score was still 0-0.
The Second inning was even better played by both sides and runners were stranded from both teams as the game remained scoreless.
It wasn't until the top of the 3rd when with two runners on base I managed to hit a line drive between first and second and past the left fielder, that Stratford pulled ahead 3-0.
The bottom of the 3rd Winsloe took a fast ball deep to right field scoring a runner from second before we managed to end the inning. The fourth inning was well fought with both teams once more stranding runners.
By the end of the fourth the game was called on account of the core of the Winslonian players having prior engagements of "greater" importance :P...
So the unofficial score after 4 complete innings was Stratford 3 - Winsloe 1.
After that game the remaining players played some 7 on 7 down at City Diamond. We played until close to a quarter after 9... so more than 3 hours of baseball was played. Good times were had by all I am sure. :D
Thanks to Brad Fraser and the City of Stratford for the loan of the bases and catchers gear, all adding to the authentic appeal of the game.
Thanks to both teams for putting in the great effort, the pitching and overall play improved greatly from last year!
Next Sunday is Part II in the Great Baseball Fiasco, scheduled for the same place and time. That is Memorial Field in Victoria Park @ 5:30 PM (perhaps earlier/later) please contact either myself/Dwaine Bulger or your appropriate Winslonian representative for further details. All attendees of the first game are expected, as well anyone can bring a friend the more baseball the better I always say.
I'm sure that all Stratford players will be in attendance... (or else...)
As well please contact Dwaine in regards to our team jerseys... we need all of the money before we can get them... so put a rush on it!!!
Disclaimer: Without proper stats keeping or a Winsloe roster I have done my best to recreate the game from memory. I apologize for any inaccuracies and or discrepancies regarding stats, names of players, positions ect. Please feel free to comment or write me. All legal action can be forwarded to Stratford's seven (7) team lawyers which we keep on retainer.
~ Saturday Night ~
In order to get ready for the big game what few brave Stratford Players we could muster were assemble at East Royalty Field. Our force consisted of Dwaine, Nic, Phil white, Brad and myself. We practiced underneath the ferocious mid-day sun until our throats were dry and cracked and our tongues were sunburned, then we practiced some more. After this practice we departed and I went home to shower and head back out with my sexy date Jane. We took in some Chinese at the Golden Wok before rounding up our supplies and heading out to Blooming Point.
Once at Blooming Point we were warmly recepted by murderous hoardes of evil bloodsucking mutant mosquitos. They attacked in huge oily black clouds of death... our only defence was slathering any exposed skin with a high concentration of DEET until I could raise the fire to smoke them off. We started off with a small gang including Janelle, Dwaine, Marie, Moira, Bobby, That Guy, Whoshisface, Whatshisname and Someotherpeople, we were later joined by Tyler, Brad and Melissa and some younger folks unknown to me. (sorry I don't do names well :S)
After many long months of almost Straight-Edge alcohol and drug abstination, (minus Canada Day) my tolerance levels are at almost virgin levels... Meaning that I got very messed up, very quickly. Unfortunately for me, this led to some rather painful and humourous situations...
Later on in the night, when I went to spray on a second layer of defence I mistakenly sprayed an entire shot of the volatile substance directly onto my eye... PAIN! ... I fumbled and grabbed some water and attempted to rinse my eyeout... the water just burned more and it was fizzling and foaming... BEER! ... PAIN! ... I did eventually manage to rinse my eye out with water, lord knows the damage that DEET would have caused :P
The beach after that point was quickly becoming over-run with underage native children and magical gypsies on four-wheelers. At one point a large group of people assembled in a semi circle about our fire. They said not a word, just standing there illuminated by our magnificant fire. Tensions grew as a silent hush fell over our group... I knew that this situation had to be quickly defused, so I summoned up my great Pentacostal preacher genes and with fiery breath I quickly admonished these demons til they turned forked-tail and ran. And after that it was business as usual.
The rest of the night was spent either sitting around staring at the fire or off frolicking amongst the dunes with Jane in an attempt to capture and apprehend fireflies.. which by the way do not look at all like their Disney counterparts.
Kudos to Dwainer for keeping me in contact with malt beverages, and congrats to Janer on drinking her pint (and then some) all in shots with a meager chase accompaniment. Poor Janelle sadly didn't last very long, and spent most of the night on her back... (insert punchline). Thanks to Tyler for the medicinal herbs, smoked waist deep in the ocean while listening to rad tunes on a portable boom box. Thanks to some crazy indian (who thought he was black) for giving me a drink of the same Gin that Tupac, Snoop Dog, Eminem, 50 Cent ect, ect, all drink... If they do drink it... they have good taste 'cause it was good.
Good times, good times.
Hazaa!
Sorry for the lack of posts... I've been a busy guy lately. My new computer has opened up many new and cool options and entertainment. I haven't even come close to finishing the construction and mods, let alone the programming... but it's all something that I look forward too.
Good news and bad news to report... (on the computer front)
The Bad first: my sub woofer blew on my 5.1 surround sound system... :(
The Good: purchased two new fans over the internet... a super top of the line CPU Fan/Heatsink
Thermaltake VOLCANO 11+Xaser Edition Highest Performance Cooler
As well I purchased this fan for my case's window...
UV 80mm Blue Round Cold Cathode Fan w/ Dual Inverter
More pictures of this later when I get them developed and scanned. :)
In other news my younger brother is doing very well in continuing the tradition of killing everyone at rugby. The Rural Triple AAA Boys are undefeated and making a mockery of the entire league... And amidst all this triumph comes some sadness as Mr. Lloyds wife has been diagnosed with cancer... I don't have much more details at the present, but it is bad enough for him to be missing classes and practices... All our sympathy is with him. :(
Come One, Come All!
Congradualations Jane, on taking the blogger plunge! Everyone can now read Janes new blog... located at http://browneyedgir1.blogspot.com * Jane's Blog! *.
Look for further updates to this site as well as a great volume of pictures/ files will soon be up.
Laterz.
The Party Shack is coming together...
Special thanks goes out to Dan and Steve for their super efforts at helping me configure and set up my new computer. I am now officially kicking some serious high speed ass!
Saturday we had a small gathering over for some games and music and a bit of drinking... proving that you don't need alcohol and drugs to have fun...
I still remain the King of Scrabble, Matt still remains the King of Monopoly even if his rule is rather Machiavellien...
Soon when the weather improves and spirits soar we (Jane and I) will be having larger parties, as there are plenty of seats, entertainment, room, ect at our place. Plus noise isn't a factor because my Landlord (Ross) is a really cool guy.
Stay tuned for future dates ect.
Updates...
Wow no posts in a while... I humbly apologize to my faithful readers. My attention has been diverted to the burgeoning Stratford Ball Players Association Sites. For further information on these sites contact the admin. :)
You can look forward to much more quality content in the upcoming weeks as Jane and I have purchased a new super computer and when it arrives I will be blogging at full speed. I will write a post later on the actual specs of this beast for any parties interested.
Coming soon.... the lost roll of film from Phase II of the Stratford Odyssey. These pictures should be up by Tuesday morning so stay tuned. You all have some other provocative pictures to look forward to. The photos in question were taken yesterday at our first Stratford Practice/BBQ which went splendidly. Thank yous go to Matt and the Community of Fort Augustus.
Birds of a Feather
The Stuupa Urnee Chronicles
The Stuupa Urnee Chronicles
This is the first scene in my new screenplay. In this very important scene The Stupid Dwaine Bird is pitted against his arch nemissis, That Crazy Kid! Andrew. Their matrix styled fight scene will set the stage for the rest of the Stuupa Urnee chronicles.
Stay tuned to this page for the premiers of all these stories.
Major League Baseball is coming to a town near you!
Just when you thought you were safe, big business comes along and strips away the last of your privacy and anonymity. With the help of radio frequency ID tag the size of grains of sand, and electronic product codes "ePC" every product manufactured will be monitored and traced along its path from its birth to being sold to you and placed in your home. The technology to mass produce these tags cheaply is here... They can be produced for about 1 cent each. Equiped with this technology every bottle, package and container of personal lubricant will emit it's own unique code to countless receivers making it possible to trace every single purchase to every consumer and beyond. This will shut-down all you casual pocket-pinchers, not to mention the black market as well.
Soon every piece of currency will also be marked with RFID and the implications only get more insidious from this point onward. With the market information that this system has the potential of generating big business could control almost every aspect of our existence. From walking down the street and billboards changing commercials to match our shoe brand, to some greasy salesman appearing in your bathroom everytime you're running low on tp.
Now if you wanted to know the whole horrible truth you could go here: The Truth About MLB or..... you could just watch me hit a couple of dingers...
Dingers, dingers, dingers!
Missing in ActionMohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Minister of Information
Here is a man, who was forced to put miles of spin on ever crushing defeat the Iraqis suffered. Hell if you had been fortunate enough to have heard all your war coverage from his mouth, you'd probably be hiding in your basement dressed in old goalie gear. Your eyes glued to an ancient TV which for some reason would only pick up his addresses. And there you would sit, trembling in the dank cold of your cellar, until the TV would crackle to life and you'd hear more ominous news from the Iraqi Information Minister... "Our initial assessment is that they will all die"...."We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back"... and then the signal would wane and die leaving the noise of static. Soon though, your ears would completely filter out this white-noise until all that you could perceive was the dead stillness and the approaching whistle of falling bombs...
For most people though this wasn't the case. No, most people just tuned into CNN for 5-10 hrs of the day. Listening to Wolf make crap up and mildly speculate about what's to come. The only highlight was when the reporters would surround our humble Information Minister and beg him for precious soundbites which he would in turn dispense in his authoritative way..."We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."....*choke* Strong stuff!
Alas now he's gone, disappeared, vanished with out a trace into the desert midnight. Without him CNN just isn't any fun and they know it.
We take this time right now to pray for his safety and as we gather I'd like to take a moment to remember some of his bold words...
"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"No I am not scared, and neither should you be!"
"Be assured. Baghdad is safe, protected"
"We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned."
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.
"I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"
"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."
"Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us."
Ohhh yes, there's more *sniffle*
"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion"
"I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"we have given them a sour taste"
"blood-sucking bastards"
Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."
"The British forces which were dropped there have been eliminated mostly on the (battle)field, except for those who fled ... It is a complete defeat ... Amazingly the Americans have pushed the British to do that. They pushed them ahead as if it is an experiment. The result was very tragic for the British."
“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any
place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are
trying to sell to the others an illusion."
"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."
This guy puts the Heart in Hearts and Minds *sob*
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
"I would like to clarify a simple fact here: How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged. Al-Nasiriyah cannot be besieged. Basra cannot be besieged."
"That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!"
"They are trapped in Umm Qasr. They are trapped near Basra. They are trapped near Nasiriyah. They are trapped near Najaf. They are trapped everywhere."
Called Americans and Brits "Tarateer"– In Iraqi slang, Tartoor means a guy full of farts (hot air)
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are cying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."
"These images are not the suburbs of Baghdad. From what I glimpsed, these gardens with rows of palm trees on the side, which you saw in the images, are located in the south of Abu Ghreib, where we have surrounded the Americans and British."
When told coalition troops occupied Baghdad airport -
"...at Saddam Airport? Now that's just silly!"
"The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"
"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
Pure gold, this man was comic genious personified *sniffle*
"In an age of spin, al-Sahaf offers feeling and authenticity. His message is consistent -- unshakeable, in fact, no matter the evidence -- but he commands daily attention by his on-the-spot, invective-rich variations on the theme. His lunatic counterfactual art is more appealing than the banal awfulness of the Reliable Sources. He is a Method actor in a production that will close in a couple of days. He stands superior to truth."
-- Jean-Pierre McGarrigle
Couldn't have said it any better myself. If they ever do find Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf they should extradite him out of Iraq and give him a job as a writer for SNL.
A Slow March Towards Infamy
Last night was a double-bill of baseball practice and alcoholic trivia. Our impromptu baseball practice came about from boredom and the first spell of nice weather in a week. The fields are still wet, as the snow failed to dry them somehow.
Our coalition forces consisted of Dwaine, Matt, Nic, Thomas and myself. We started with a fielding practice, in which Dwaine ran for pop fly after pop fly in a vain attempt at catching them. Understandable since the poor Crazy Dwaine Bird seems to have developed a mild psychosamatic aversion to baseballs, after taking a rather painful fly-ball off the cranium short days ago. Then we proceeded to do some sprints, followed by push-up, v-sits and burpees. After which we played ultimate leap-frog (for some reason poor Nic could never seem to get completely over Thomas!) and then ran 10 full laps of the field. An excellent practice, even devoid of a bat.
Then it was time for Trivia. Special thanks go out to Robert MacMillan for his extraordinary efforts at not only procuring a pitcher but also staking out a prime piece of Myrons real-estate. Special recognition goes out to Nic White for his virginal appearance at Myrons trivia, also for drinking the equivalent to an entire glass of that filthy Clancy's beer. As for the trivia part of the night, we stank. Even with Danial as an ace up our sleeve, we couldn't pull it off. Then as a few pints of beer later, the night came to a screaming halt, as I was faced with driving home and waking up at 6:30.
My apologies to all the mothers of the minors that had snuck into Myrons... I'm very sorry to tell you that your children are the devil. These mischievious minors know who they are...
Time for the Drunk Rating ©...
#1 - Bria (Drunk as hell and driving too...tsk, tsk)
#2 - Rob (Liquid Courage) Macmillan
#3 - Jane (That's my girl!)
#4 - Marie (Fire and Brimstone)
#5 - Nic (We'll make a man of you yet...)
#6 - Dwaine??? (couldn't tell if you were drunk at all)
#7 - Andrew??? (Someone else will certainly vouch for you being drunk and touching them inappropriately)
-
-
-
#143 - Chuck :'(
Unlisted - Shannon
Drunk Rating disclaimer ©:The maximum error attributable to drinking conditions and stomach capacity is plus or minus 0.01 blood alcohol percentage. If you feel you have been misrepresented or malpositioned on the Drunk Rating please contact the Administrator
.
Hearts and Minds
The following is a grand tale of adventure and courage from our resident columnist Nic "The Whip" White. This article accounts the details of Phase IV of our Baseball Odyssey. (You may also view this article from it's original source at the secure Stratford Message Board.
Well, it was another successful practice today. Even though there was plaenty of snow on the ground and it was still snowing off and on Rob Dwaine and I played on. Chuck and Andrew would have came but were tied up in other matters. Thomas did not come because, well, were not even sure if he made it home from the last practice . We got our arms loose in a certain Christian school parking lot in town, not certain if we were being followed, but we watched our backs. After a two hour practice we headed to get food and then went to Dwaines where we proceeded to look and discuss some posible jerseys for our team. All in all, another good one. We are only getting better.
Unfortunately I missed this practice... Hopefully this damned snow will clear up very soon then we will be able to get down to business! What a slap to the emotions it was to have the greenish brown ground once more blanketed in white! It makes my heart cringe and my soul weep... But enough of the melodrama.
Second backshift in a row tonight, nothing ruins a weekend better! This coming week will be better though, as I have Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday all off!
We NEED a party!
Enough said.
The Pictures are Up!!
Phase II of the Stratford Ball Odyssey Pictures are up, have a gander!
Special thanks goes to Matt Ling for the excellent developement, as well as the camera and film... and to Danial Pollard for his scanning and photoshop expertise! You can see them now on my picture page...
Looks like the snow may keep us off the diamonds for a little while yet. But even all that cold snow won't put out the fire that burns deep in our hearts...
Phase III
Despite the bitter cold that would have kept most of the bravest souls at home, these proud and dedicated Stratford Ball Players trudged forward... Hands frozen numb, eyes frosted open, noses running down their stoney faces, they gritted their teeth in determination.
The practices brave participants consisted of Nic, Rob, Dwaine, and myself, plus a special guest called up from one of our AAA teams. Yes Thomas, made the trek all the way from Souris (which is still buried under 10ft of snow by the way). He valiantly battled his way through fierce storms, 15ft swells and sea monsters to try out for our team. We are still in negotiations, but things are looking good for us to fill that gap in the outfield.
Tomorrow hopefully I will be able to post some of our team pictures from Phase II of our training. If you read this Matt, please contact me ASAP re this matter.
Attention all Stratford Players, if you haven't received an email concerning the Stratford Ball Players Association secure websites, please contact me at once. If you wish to apply to play for the Stratford Ball Club contact me as well.
A tentative roster has been posted on the Team Message Board please be advised.
...This just in, Thomas Godfrey has been signed to play outfield for the Stratford Ball Club...
Baseball Hooligans
Today on this beautiful day, five brave young souls took to defiling the Bunbury Ball Diamond. Yes it was Phase Two of our Shock and Awe campaign. This time our all-star group was composed of Andrew "Toothless" Thompson, Nic "The Whip" White, Dwaine "Bulldog" Bulger, Matt "The Lincher" Ling and I, Chuck "Bone Breaker" Beaton. Notably missing was our super-star pitcher Rob "The Pooh Bear" MacMillan...
Today was by far the best practice, as it was the first one on grass in a diamond. The weather was beautiful, the air clean and crisp with a salty aftertaste and a hint of oregano...
As the infield was a deceptive deathtrap of sink-sand, we played in the outfield which was moderately soggy, yet playable. As the exact details of the practice are kept secret. I will only go as far to say that close to 50 exposures were taken in an effort to document our strengths and uhh... strengths. Most of the pictures ended up being taken of pure old school buffoonery. They will be appearing here by Saturday at the latest so stay tuned... Viewer discretion is advised as certain shots do contain nudity...
I am now sporting a busted blister below my pinky finger on my left hand, any typing aggravates it thus causing me some great discomfort. But even this pain doesn't diminish the satisfaction of a great day at the diamond. More to come...
The Stratford Rec Room site is still in it's production stage. When complete, logins and passwords will be securely wired to all authorized individuals.
****Awardes of Recognition****
Matt - "Christina Aguilera Award for dirtiest ball player to leave the field"
Dwaine - "Ernie Award for Most Wanton Destruction"
Andrew - "Peewee Herman Award for Public Exposure"
Nic - "Chester Award for Giving it to those Cows"
Early Morning Madness,
A Wingless Metal Bird and Forced Exercise
A Wingless Metal Bird and Forced Exercise
Well I'm on a 12 hour shift today. Which wouldn't be so bad normally, but since this one runs 8pm to 8am, I'll be breaking new ground in eye ball exhaustion. Right now I'm listening to Radio Head and Pearl Jam and drinking Tim's English Toffee. These things alone are repelling the early morning madness. Poor Jane is also along for the 12 hour ride tonight, but she's a super trooper who's well used to these ungodly hours.
Last night was BMW M5 Test Drive #2. We (Squish, GuestX and I) finally beat the beast up to a record speed of 230km/hr along a well lit (by our xenon lamps) winding stretch of rural pavement. We maxed out right before going over a slight hill, and temporarily lost all traction as the gracefull sedan went airborne. And for a moment we were soaring through the night fog on a wingless metal bird... Then after mocking several inferior machines during high speed passes, and some all out rubber melting power slides we dropped off GuestX and went on the odyssey that was refilling the gas tank. With a super automated car like the M5, where no ordinary function doesn't have a switch or lever, you would assume that the fuel tank cover had one as well. So there we sat, parked at the Winsloe gas station, in a 110 thousand dollar car surrounded by the Winsloe yokels. At 11:00 o'clock two hoodlums parked with the lights on as they desperately search for the gas cap release in a car which obviously was stolen a short while ago. Franticly grasping and reaching around in a vain attempt. Being paranoid I suggested relocating to a less populated area to continue the search. Finally after at least 20 mins and increasing anxiety, Squish discovered that the way to open the damn thing was simply by pressing on the near side.... But I mean who'd of guessed?
After that adventure I took a cab to the party for about 5 mins. then leaving (sober), and going to Myrons (sober). Where I stood around (looking sober and acting sober), until closing time when I decided to make my way home. As punishment for my sobriety the good Judge recommended a regiment of forced exercise, so I walked home...The last time I did that same walk I was drunk and it didn't seem as long... But that's always the case.
Time for the drunk rating...
#1-Matt
#2-Rob
#3-Steph
#4-Andrew....
Unlisted--Chuck :'(
Drunk rating disclaimer: The maximum error attributable to drinking conditions and stomach capacity is plus or minus 0.01 blood alcohol percentage. If you feel you have been misrepresented or malpositioned on the Drunk Rating please contact the Administrator.
If you haven't already please visit my new page and/or link appropriately :)
Feedback would also be nice, as it spurs me on to do bigger and better things for your optical and intellectual pleasures.
* Special Olympic Allstars *Tuna Helper and Chainsaw Rampages
Have you seen my basebahl?
Yesterday was phase one of Spring training. The crew consisted of one Robert Macmillan, one Crazy Dwaine Bird, and Myself. It took place in the parking lot of the Gray, right under the brilliant lights of the old Winslonian stomping grounds. Symbolic? We played from dusk, until the daylight completely faded. The ever-waning light making every subsequent throw of our dirty water-logged ball all that much more dangerous.
There were a few Special Olympic scouts out to view our performance. It is good to see interest this early in, but for the most part they pretended to be picking bottles or walking small children. Which is understandable as you don't want to let on early who you're planing on drafting to the Allstars.
Dwaine seemed to be having trouble holding on to pop flyes, and blocking grounders. At first we attributed this to our rusty baseball skills, but as it continued even after the warm-up we could see that there was indeed a severe problem that was inhibiting Ernies catching ability. It wasn't till sometime later when we had bought our popcorn and harrassed Walmart and were back at Dwaines fab pad, that the problem finally came to light. We were playing computer hockey when I spotted a tiny-totts baseball mitt sitting on the bedstand next to a large container of Tuna Helper. It must be a sentimental souveneir from mosquito I rationalized... But no, this tiny pint-sized mitt was Dwaine's game glove. The thing was barely as big as his hand for Christ sakes!
"Why would you buy such a ridiculously small glove Dwaine," I questioned.
"'Cause it was cheap," he replied laconically.
"It was cheap because it's a f**cking 12 years olds glove you moron!"
To which Dwaine shrugged and zenly utterred, "myeh!?"...
For the rest of the night we played PS2. Where Dwaine showed great poise during his GTA chainsaw masacres, I think he's a natural... I left my PS2 in his care, so he could further hone his skills.
PS: If for some or any reason my PS2 or any of its components are broken, damaged or in any way altered from their original condition.... Your (Dwaine's) life is forfeit.
PSS: Input is needed regarding times and locations of our next practices, please view the message board concerning this matter.
Tears of the Son
Today my work week begins anew. I had Wednesday and Thursday off. A temporary reprieve from the ignorance and moral depravity of the cyber world that I now patrol. Hell, it still beats taking it in the ear from cranky 40+'ers who're mixing their med's with alcohol and indignant stupidity. Nothing made me happier than finally handing in that damned headset, other than the realization that I was finished talking to those people...
On Wednesday Stephen H. and I went to see Tears of the Sun the war movie starring Bruce Willis as the maverick Navy Seals Commander, who decides to do the right thing. I was drawn to this movie after playing many and many an hour of SOCOM on PSII. Tears is not your typical war movie, it quickly degrades to more of a socially conscious, humanitarian action movie. And It seemed as though the ending was missing the typical American Flag waving motion bit, synonomous with most US propaganda videos.
The movie's plot surrounds a fictional coup against the Nigerian Democracy, and the ethnic cleansing that follows as the new "muslim" regime takes power. Lt Waters (Willis) is forced by his heroic and selfless conscience to go against the rigid mission objectives and to save as many people as possible from certain and brutal death.
Tears of the Sun almost bridges the gap between the grissly war movie and humanitarian documentary genres, but in this case falls short of capturing the true complexity of the stories characters. Instead Tears of the Sun comes off as a generic film with stagnant stereotyped characters.
Credit does go out to the director (Antoine Fuqua) as this film is shot first rate with many excellent fight scenes and excellent use of the Nigerian (Hawaiian) scenery. During one scene however, when Willis is talking (via radio) to his Commander who is standing on the runway aboard a large carrier ship and although this conversation couldn't have lasted more than a minute and a half, 4 jets land, and two jets take off. This was very hard to believe until Steve pointed out that on the commander's very visible watch hands three hours pass during this conversation. Also at the end, you may notice that although, two Hornets take off with not much more than an extra fuel tank, by the time they arrive over Africa they are carrying a full payload of Maverick ATG missles. These few inconsistencies aside, I give it a 3 out of 5 Chufre stars.
Thursday night was left to playing pool with my father, at which I beat him 4 games to 3, and Trivia. Although the Trivia experience was lessened by the fact that I had to sit in the middle of the floor without a surface to drink on, and that some asshole left the outside door open all night. After drinking a few glasses of complimentary beer (thanks Rob) my night was cut short as I had to pick Jane up from work at 12, and go to work myself for 8. Unfortunately I set the snooze wrong this morning, and didn't get to work till nine.
BTW - I get off at 4 of the clock, if anyone is interested in having a game of catch gimme a call or leave a message on the MB, I'll be home and bored all night...
Hollywood, MAC10s and Leo Dicaprio
Congrads to Michael Moore, for being the only one with true balls at the Oscars. While everyone stared gape mouthed he attacked everything to do with the current Bush Administration. And when asked backstage if he feared his comments would get him black-listed in Hollywood, he calmly told the press, that he receives his funding from Canadian and other outside backers [rough translation: "F U Hollywood"]. Really though, his former work demanded this speach... Because what is Bush really doing with this war? He's telling the youth of America, solve your conflicts with violence!
"Little Molly, why bring an apple to school for your teacher. That bitch gave you homework on your birthday! Bring a MAC10 in your Blue's Clues lunchbox. That'll teach the school Administration! It'll prove to them that you aren't taking any guff when it comes to your own private interests."
The upset of the night was definitly when Roman Polanski was named Best Director for The Pianist. When will Scorsese finally get the recognition he deserves? Most of my favorite movies are directed by him: Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and (the masterpiece) Goodfellas. But instead they give it to Polanski the Polock. Not to be harsh on Roman Polanski, since he did have a difficult childhood (caused by Hitler and his Nazi invaders) but even that doesn't excuse statutory rape of minors...
I haven't yet seen Gangs of New York, but that isn't Scorsese's fault. I didn't see Gangs simply because not only does Leonardo Dicraprio annoy the Christ out of me, but in this film he plays an Irish gangster!!? Daniel Day-Lewis would be reason enough to see it, but still any appreciation for this movie would be offset by Leo's shitty Irish accent, and worse acting.
Shock and Amaze?
"When elephants fight, only the Grass gets hurt"
"When elephants fight, only the Grass gets hurt"
Hey Saddam, why not spare so many innocent lives and give up? Ya friggin egotistical meglomaniac! Bush will only pile through Bagdad with his human cowpusher leaving a wide trail of blood and misery in it's path. Until he finally succeeds where his father never could...
Why can't they just take their differences and egos and put them where they belong. In a high stakes celebrity boxing match. Yes, think about the ratings and how much money the US government would save (let alone lives). We all know that Bush would get his pansy ass whoopped! But that's why they would have to go through 3 months of intensive training (I'm sure no one would miss Bush around the White House). The cameras would of course follow them through-out the training. Hell we could bring in guest celebrity trainers...any suggestions... vote them in!! If Saddam wins, the US rebuilds his palaces, and stocks his weapons caches. If Bush wins Saddam is shot, a US implemented party takes over, the US gets unfettered access to oil stores, and maybe the Iraqi people get a hot meal...
The world isn't this simple yet. But wouldn't it save so much? CNN would go bankrupt mind you...
So I tried to put frames on my page... Not good. Frames are simple enough to construct, and in most cases usefull... but not when you don't own your website. I found this out the hardway... After spending several minutes completing the template I tried hosting it on several sites, everytime I did the page was flooded with ton's of ads. Rendering it completely useless.
Not much going on. Spring raised her glorious head, then was buried by more damn snow.
I miss summer. Walking the bridge into Charlottetown, hanging around, drifting aimlessly, returning at 5 am the next morning. Tired and satisfied. Stalking Mr. Bean, Smoking in the Scary Spot, hotboxing open cars, vans, trucks, entry ways. Buying the hard stuff from the red house, drinking behind the farmers market, before checking out little squirts. Crazy times of electric spiders, giant butterflies, beach parties, and second degree burns. Great home movies eh Rob.
But enough of the reminiscing for tonight. If anyone is online gimme a shout out, I'll be at work most of the night. Ciao.
I hope you all like the new template. Yes Dan I do know that it does have an error, in this case it's intentional. Not much going on, even less time to write about it... I'm training for MSN right now, learning how to keep those filthy mouthed kids quiet, and the porn peddlers gone. So looks like Andrew will have to find another IRC to monger his kiddie porn on. Cause there's a new Sheriff in town. PS Were looking for more Sheriff's if your interested and available to start training ASAP. Come by and fill out an application, technical skill is a requirement...
To my faithful readers I apologize for the lack of content, I have had nothing to write about, as I've done nothing of any consequence lately. What is needed is an event of some kind where liquor and drugs are involved. Either or. But something worth writing about...
Sorry to say it boys, but Thursday nights have been lacking in the crazy drunken fun department. Mostly due to empty seats being snatched up by nasty pariahs; empty seats caused by a lack of drunken comrads. Really, get your asses in gear. There's nothing better to do on a frozen Thursday besides sit and drink cheap beer and ridicule each other. It sucks when you have to sit with parasites, who don't even realize when you're bashing them. They'll just sit there slack jawed and laugh when they see everyone else laughing:
Parasite: Ha, Ha, funny, you so funny Andrew!
Andrew: I'm going to stab you in the forehead :)
Parasite: *confused look* Ha, ha, funny, you sooo funny Andrew! *grabs Andrews crotch*
(this is bad on it's own, but it also makes Rob really jealous, and he gets cranky when he's jealous, then he starts to smell funny, but thats a different story...)
You get the point.
Mind you there are some people who can be tolerated. Some people are even encouraged! But Jesus H Christ take a hint, when you're unambiguously asked to leave, or benignly threatened.
Remember the 20th is Dwaine's b'day. Yes Dwaine, remember that fat bastard? Well you're all coming because a drunk Dwaine is always a fun Dwaine.
Well I'm winded.
Grand Theft Auto and Pure Unadulterated Adreneline:
I was prowling the mean streets of Vice City, stalking from street to street with a high powered laser sighted sniper rifle picking off pedestrian and police officers alike when I got the call. It was my good friend "Squish", he had a hook-up to some serious entertainment. Obviously anxious and a bit hesitant, he told me to meet him as soon as possible. Not knowing what to expect, I followed his directions.
When I arrived Squish was visibly agitated. "I'm conflicted man," he said, "Push this button..." In his hand he held a single thick key attached to an electric keypad emblazened with that famous white propellers on blue sky logo. "Go on push the button man," he cohersed again his eyes gleaming.
I took the keypad from him and depressed the appropriate button. Around the corner there was a loud hollow "bleep, bleep" and then a deep rumble as some monster came to life. I turned the corner and there she was. A metallic maroon she-devil machine.
"Jesus God Almighty," I exclaimed in shock as I beheld the beauty of a 2001 M5 BMW German engineered sedan. Slowly I recovered from my shock, and started to examine the Imola Red exterior of the M5. From the impressive front grill to the special rear apron "air diffuser," it was an object of beauty twinned with superb performance and awesome power.
The super-low-profile 18" high performance double spoked chrome polished tires with 4-wheel ventilated disc breaks, and an even more impressive independent suspension and steering system will always keep you firmly on the ground.
With one of the best engines in the automotive world this impressive BMW packs 400 horsepower and a 5.0 litre V8 under the hood. With its 368 lb.-ft. of torque at 3,800 rpm and a six-speed manual transmission, the M5 is capable of hitting 100 km/h in 5.3 seconds from a standing start (0-60m/h in 4.7 secs). These horsepower and torque figures mean the M5 has the speed of a Ferrari F355 and the power of a Jaguar XJR. So what the M5 really is, is a sedan with the heart of a Ferrari.
After finishing a preliminary tour of the exterior it became at once imperative we examine the Exclusive hand stiched tan leather and burled walnut interior. With power everything, the erogonomic interior's handsome instrumentation displays allow you to focus completely on the driving experience. A turn of the key loads the preset driver preferences, lowering the steering wheel and effectively trapping me in the cockpit. Running my hands over the dash I inspected the impressive navigational and dolby sound systems. Finished with the inspection, I agreed with Squish that this beauty was certainly worth its vaunty $110,000 price tag.
"Yes, but the beauty is in the driving," he replied a devilish glimmer in his eyes.
"Well let's get started then," I encouraged as I climbed into the passenger seat, adjusted the electronic controls, turned on the seat warmers, and popped "No Sympathy for the Devil" into the 6 CD changer.
"Shit yes!" Squish shouted, "lets give her a go!"
And with that Squish turned the key, ignition, a hearty roar then a rumble as the M5 once more came to life, the four tailpipes of polished stainless steel providing all the right sounds. Squish stepped down on the excellerator, the needle on the tach bouncing up to 5500rpm as the wheels spun in the loose snow. Then with a ding the traction control kicked in and we were rocketted forward, heads whipping backwards as the ass of the ferocious bitch swung to and frow, then with the RWD catching grip of pavement we accellerated up to 80km in seconds and swung out onto the main highway. Still fishtailling, the angry rear tires caught and we were once again propelled forward, this time down a stiff hill. Around the next corner, and at a loss for traction, the car skidded momentarily and effortlessly the Dynamic Stability Control and limited-slip differential feature regained the M5's poise for Squish.
"Shit, Shit, Shit, maybe we should take the Sport control off..." he exclaimed as he disengaged the dash-mounted button which had invoked the more aggressive operation of the machine.
I agreed, thankfull that the 110k lovely was still intact. My head pounding, my heart rate soaring, adrenaline filled my veins and shot out of my stomach like electric eels at a feeding frenzy. "Buy the ticket, take the ride...," I screamed, "Let's open this bitch up!!"
Coming to a stop before merging once more onto the highway, we decided to test the 0-60 when the traffic had cleared. "3...2...1...blam!" Our heads and bodies plastered to the leather bucket seats, Squish redlined in 1st doing 60kms, and in second we did 100kms by the time we were in 5th we had easily hit 180kms/hr and still had the sixth gear sitting pretty. For a car with a (deliminated) max speed of close to 300km/h, our little test was a drive in the park. But when you're driving in the park with a $110 000 car that isn't yours, you drive moderatly, as it's your ass if you crash that ultra customized speed machine; and with those thoughts in mind we headed homeward.
The M5's Xenon headlights provided super-white illumination even on the low-beam setting which pissed off quite a few oncoming motorists, as they angerly flashed us with their sorry brights. On the way home we retraced our route, long scarred rubber burn skids proof of our transgressions behind the wheel of this awesome adrenaline ride.
Once back, we made sure to spray and polish the car back to it's prior brilliance. The water hitting the disc brakes and tires was instantly vaporised, proof positive that the machine had had a good run. With a final congradulatory handshake I left Squish to finish detailing away any physical proof of our test drive.
Returning home in my 1997 Dodge Neon, I knew somehow, my experience as a driver had been grossly enlightened by the greatness of the BMW M5.